Adventures in Goofy Ridge Farming
I Am Mom Enough, Hear Me Roar!
May 17th
By now, I’m sure you’ve all at least heard about last week’s Time magazine cover, which was supposedly about attachment parenting yet featured the “shock factor” photo of a 3 year old standing on a chair to breastfeed, as well as the title “Are You Mom Enough?”
I’m not going to link to the article because A) you have to be subscriber to read it online and B) it irritates me immensely.
Let’s get a few details out of the way before I tell you how I really feel, shall we?
I didn’t breastfeed. Ever. It was my CHOICE, and I feel fortunate to have so many people who, whether they supported my decision or not, supported me having that choice. I don’t tend to follow the “attachment parenting” style which, for those of you not in the know on all the supposed “methods” of parenting, usually includes things like baby-wearing, extended breastfeeding and skin-to-skin contact.
What I want to focus on is this “question” of whether we, as women, are “mom enough.” I can’t speak for everyone, so I’m going to speak for myself and I hope you’ll all agree.
I try never to blame the media for all our problems. We cause most of our own problems. What a company like Time is doing by putting out a magazine with a cover photo/headline like that, on Mother’s Day week, is trying to cause commotion and, therefore, trying to sell more magazines. I mean, come on people, that IS their job, isn’t it?
With that being said, this particular cover does illustrate a major problem going on in our country: Mom Wars. For whatever reason, women these days have this BS notion that if their best friend chooses a different style of parenting than they did, then one of them has to be wrong. And so begins the epic battle of stay-at-home moms vs. working moms, breastfeeding moms vs. formula feeding moms, vaccinating mom vs. non-vaccinating moms. Like I’ve mentioned multiple times (here, here and here) regarding food choices, parenting styles/choices are not necessarily MORAL decisions. If you choose to bake your kid’s birthday treats, there is no reason to be hateful towards “those” moms who buy treats from the store. Just because your neighbor turns into a life-sized hovercraft when her kids hit the playground, doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you (OR her) if you let your kid bump his head on the swing set once in a while.
Listen, there are some parenting choices that I will never understand. Co-sleeping is one of them. I’m not saying it’s wrong (except for those morons who co-sleep without the proper co-sleeping accessories like bumpers or bassinets to keep their babies safe. I judge those people fo sho.) to co-sleep, I just don’t know how those parents do it! Literally and figuratively.
Literally: How can you sleep hearing their little noises all night, worrying you’re going to suffocate them in your sleep, etc.? Figuratively: How do you do…IT. Sorry, but I can’t be doing it w/ my dog looking at me, let alone my kid. That is not normal or natural. I know all you adults who walked in on your parents years ago hear me on this one! 
Regardless, it’s not something I chose to do. But I don’t think it’s wrong/bad/stupid/etc. It’s just not my CHOICE of parenting styles. I still support the right of every mother out there to have a CHOICE in how she raises her kids.
Here’s the real deal: Moms need to stop fighting with each other. If we are all honest, this whole “mom war” CRAP is 100% rooted in our own insecurities. But we don’t need to be insecure. Your kids won’t give a shit if their 3rd birthday party wasn’t decorated by the Pinterest gods. They want you to have fun and play with them at their birthday party. And when they get older, they won’t even want you AT their birthday party, so enjoy it while it lasts!
There is always going to be someone with a cleaner house, better-dressed kids, more money, more SOMETHING than you. Get over it. Focus on what you ARE good at and that is: loving your children as hard and as much as you can.
THAT is what makes us all “Mom Enough.”
No One Can Hear Me Scream: Part 5, Raising Gentlemen Among (Ridge) Rats
May 15th
Ok, local moms…how do you do it?
I don’t claim to always be the classiest, best-dressed, most politically correct person. But parents ARE supposed to be role models for their children, right? It never works out that way, though, does it? The biggest influencers are usually our kids’ friends and peers. And, no offense Mason County…I’ve seen the kids around here.
It’s hardly the kids’ fault though. Just the other day I was at the grocery store and overheard a mother talking about giving her baby “titty milk.” Really? Keep it klassy, Kroger shoppers. I was so glad G$ isn’t old enough to understand because I am not ready for the day when I have to explain that one.
How do you educate your children on life in the real world when their “real world” is filled with white trash? Setting a good example isn’t going to be enough.
Some people have told me their parents took them on trips to places like The Field Museum in Chicago and Busch Stadium in St. Louis (smart parents). Their parents felt that those short trips would help broaden their children’s horizons. Some were even lucky enough to travel outside the country. But what if you can’t afford that? What else helps your kids recognize normal behavior when they are surrounded by trashy behavior at every turn?
It will come as no surprise to anyone that one solution I’ve come up with is making sure my children’s grammar is more Merriam Webster than Merle Haggard. When you name your children, you rule out names like Harley and Barbie (no offense all you Harleys and Barbies out there) because it gives an impression before they open their mouth. I feel that it’s important to know proper grammar so that your future boss won’t need to double-check your Harvard transcripts after hearing you speak.
But what else? I am determined to raise gentlemen…which reminds me, maybe I should get to work on my husband… Just kidding.
No One Can Hear Me Scream: Part 4, Creature Discomforts
May 8th
Where the hell do I live? Surely this crap is happening to other people, right?
(2 questions I find myself asking on a more-frequent-than-I’m-comfortable-with basis)
Several years ago, our whole extended family went on vacation together. We had a great time, but the absolute hands-down highlight of the trip, for me, was my uncle stopping the minivan in the middle of the road to proclaim “LOOK kids! A DEER!” I nearly peed myself. Keep in mind, both our families live on wooded property, which I had to bring up because their excitement was completely genuine. I mean, hell, living out here (side note: I think “hell” and “out here” are synonymous when you’re referring to the Ridge, but I digress…) in the state forest, if anyone gets that worked up over a deer it’s either A) because they shot it (happy worked up) or B) because they hit it with their car (unhappy worked up).
Apparently they don’t see too many animals on their property since a subdivision went up nearby, hence their legitimate excitement over nature. Me, I’ve never been a nature girl. 
Which is why it makes perfect sense that God would provide me a soul mate who is a farmer/ hunter/fishing enthusiast living in a state forest. God has a sense of humor.
Back to my 2 soul-searching questions…”Where the hell do I live?” and “Surely, this crap is happening to other people…right?”
It’s not uncommon for me to be on the phone while driving home from Paradise Target and mid-conversation comment, “Oh, there’s a turkey” or “Huh, another couple turkey vultures, I wonder what’s dead this time?” Last week, I almost hit a coyote on three separate occasions. Not to mention the coyote Bella chased down so Adam could run outside in his underwear and shoot it. What was I saying about paradise? Riiiight.
Today has been another perfect example of where my questions come from. I had a dentist appointment and normally that wouldn’t be much to look forward to but, today, Graham is sick and, apparently, determined to destroy everything in the house (anyone need shattered glass? Check my bathtub.) including himself (head+coffee table=screaming bloody murder).
Needless to say, I was antsy to leave.
Adam, of course, was late to watch Graham, so by the time I saw him pulling in the driveway, I had 10 minutes to get to the dentist and we all know that the only thing 10 minutes away around here is MORE CORN. So I’m sitting in the car, wondering why he is pulling in diagonally behind me. I jump out of the Snobmobile to find there is a HUGE snake curled up on the driveway, right behind my car. So, long story short, I was late to the dentist because I had to wait for Adam to kill a snake. Who else does this shit happen to? Seriously, I’d like to know!
Fellow Dunlapians, remember our former excuse for being late to school? A train. Now, it’s always creature-related.
I got to the dentist and there were headless remains of a dead bird on the sidewalk. When I got home, I noticed the snake was no longer in the driveway and Adam informed me that he threw it in a tree, then decided that was a bad idea and threw it in the CRP behind the house, but the dog found it, so he threw it further out. After that he couldn’t eat lunch because it looked too much like snake guts.
I am so done with creatures today.
No One Can Hear Me Scream: Part 3, Leaving the House
May 3rd
It seems like I never go anywhere now that I have a baby. It’s a sad truth but I get excited because it’s grocery day (or Target day, really ANY day which requires I leave the house to run an errand. Any errand. Doesn’t matter how menial.).
The problem with never leaving the house is that I rarely wear makeup or do anything that would render myself appropriate, appearance-wise, to be seen in public. Now, before you go thinking I’m a big fat hypocrite, check out this blog
No One Can Hear Me Scream: Part 2, Guns and Drive-bys
Apr 27th
Recently, I heard some suburban moms debating whether or not it was ok to have guns in the home when you have kids. I had to laugh.
Just a few years ago, that could’ve been me. Right there on their (inevitably anti-gun) side, self-righteously shocked and awed that anyone would even CONSIDER having guns and children under the same roof. I’d be quoting statistics proclaiming the obvious: accidental gun deaths are xyz % more common in households which have guns, ignoring the obvious that you can’t have an accidental shooting in a house UNLESS there is a gun. Duh.
Personally, I may have grown up in the burbs, but there was a gun in my house. A hunting rifle. I knew where it was and I had access to it. I don’t think we ever had any bullets, shells, whatever, nor would I have known how to load it or shoot it…but I did have access to it. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
It made me very sad to hear these suburban moms ADAMANTLY claiming their children would NEVER be allowed to play in the homes of children whose parents kept guns in the house. It also made me laugh. If I followed that logic, poor G$ would not only never have friends, he wouldn’t be allowed to live in his own house. Until he was born, we had a shotgun propped against the wall in our living room. I never knew if it was loaded or not, but if someone broke into my house, I bet they’d find out.
As I’m writing this, I actually don’t even know how many guns (is it a Freudian slip that I keep typing “funs?”) are in our house. We have a safe, we keep them locked up. But let’s get real. It’s the country. Brad Paisley doesn’t sing “My eyebrows ain’t plucked/there’s a gun in my truck” just because it rhymes.
While I have full confidence that I could walk into most of my friends’ homes or vehicles at any time, because most people’s doors aren’t locked, I can also tell you, it wouldn’t be a good decision (unless they saw my snobby foreign SUV pulling up and were already waving ). The doors might not be locked but the guns are locked and loaded.
Former suburb-dweller me would never have imagined my children going hunting. Ridge-dweller me isn’t too fond of the idea either…but I’m willing to consider it. Adam recently mentioned his parents gave him and his 2 brothers their own BB guns one year. Suburb-me and Ridge-me agree that although the idea of 3 boys out of the house and out of your hair might indeed be appealing, that probably won’t be happening at Chateau de Goofy. Adam says he will prove me wrong. How else will G$ and his future sibling(s) learn to shoot birds? Yes, how indeed. I’ve stayed up many nights pondering that very question…oh wait. Not at all.
Not everything with guns is good though. Sometimes I think all this gun talk has made me more anxious than I used to be. I grew up in a subdivision. People were always around, close by, driving by, walking down the sidewalks at night. I never gave it a second thought. Now I have no neighbors, no sidewalks, 10% of the people driving by that I used to…and I’m spying on every one of them. If you drive by too fast, I yell at you. If you drive by too slow, I memorize your face and plate number. If I am tanning on the driveway and you drive by too slow, then TURN AROUND AND COME BACK…you’re a creep. Yes, that actually happened.
I don’t really know why I’m so suspicious. Maybe it’s because I’m just nosy in general.
Maybe it’s because there literally is no one around to hear me scream.
The moral of this story is that I hope G$’s friends’ parents DO have guns in the house. I want them to stay safe and I want my baby to stay safe. The accidental shooting I want to hear about is some dumbass “accidentally” getting a .22 right between the eyes when they break in during the middle of the night. Sometimes city-dwellers are just plain wrong.
No One Can Hear Me Scream: Part 1, The Country Wave
Apr 25th
Sorry for my long blog absences lately! I know I say it a lot but, man, life is crazy sometimes! First it was G$’s teeth, then we ended up in the ER, then it was pneumonia, then an ear infection and roseola. In the middle of all that, it’s planting season, we’re doing some massive house cleaning for G$’s baptism/party this weekend…it’s nuts.
With everything that’s gone on thus far during planting season, it occurred to me that I’ve been living out here either part- or full-time for almost SEVEN YEARS. How did this happen?! Holy CRAP! So it’s no wonder, then, that I’ve been noticing some…errr…changes…in my behavior that I can’t help but think are due 100% completely and totally to many years of life in the sticks (or stix, if you’re from the Ridge).
This is the first part in a several part series I like to call “No One Can Hear Me Scream.”
What the hell happened to me? I used to be able to drive around, listen to the radio, get where I was going and go home. Not anymore. Now, I’m too busy focusing on every.freaking.car that comes my way. What color is it? What model is it? Most importantly, is it someone I know? It doesn’t matter, I end up waving even if I don’t know them.
When I first started visiting the area, I can’t tell you how many times I would be riding with Adam and someone would drive past and wave and I’d ask who it was. 95% of the time, he had no idea. But he waved back. At the time, I thought to myself that I’d probably have a panic attack if some stranger drove by and waved like they knew me. Now I’m doing it too. I really don’t know how it happened.
It will probably come as no surprise when I say that there are a lot of trucks in the area. A lot of American-made trucks. Lots of SUVs as well. I have many friends with Ford trucks, specifically. Gray, red, blue, green, you name it. As a result, I find myself looking at the driver of every Ford truck in every color of the rainbow, and waving before I even know what I’m doing. And it doesn’t matter where I am. I did it in Chicago too. Not that there were many Ford trucks on the Magnificent Mile, but you can be damn sure the ones that did go by got a big wave as they passed!
I want to embrace this friendly country attitude, but my inner snarkiness just won’t let me get all the way there. I still don’t like people to wave at me. How can I be sure they’re waving and not flipping the bird when I pass them at 70 mph? Either way, as my grandpa says, I “guaran-damn-tee” that if you drive a: Ford or Chevy truck, a Grand Prix, a Ford, Chevy, Lincoln, ok basically ANY American made SUV (or, better yet, a foreign one, then I really know it’s a fellow snob behind the wheel), I’ll be waving. And you better wave back, you overly friendly assholes.
Teeth, Take Two
Apr 17th
Thank you all for your kind thoughts, prayers and well wishes regarding G$’s baby teeth (and my mental health)!
My mom went ahead and called the periodontist who did her caps, both times, and he said we need to get G$ to a pediatric dentist, keep him away from fruit snacks, fruit roll ups, basically any sticky stuff, and keep taking him at least once a year (even though most kids don’t go til around 3-4 years old).
Today we visited our regular dentist, and he confirmed (as much as he could) my fears: it’s most likely hereditary. I suppose I should be thankful that none of the kids in my generation have it, but I still feel sad for G$. This dentist also said he needs to be kept off acidic foods like oranges, apple juice, salsa, etc. as much as possible, and to make sure we brush his teeth right afterwards.
The annoying part is that since only two of his teeth are through, and not even all the way, there’s not much they can tell other than:
A) the teeth are definitely yellow
and
B) they are the right size and shape (good news!)
He said he’s definitely seen many cases where it only affects a few teeth, or only baby teeth, so that’s something to hope for, I guess. For now, all we can do is wait until the main 8 teeth come in (the front 4 and the 4 surrounding them), and they’ll be able to tell more at that point.
Soooooooo we wait. I’m not very good at waiting. In fact, as a kid my favorite word to describe myself was “impatientable.” I guess there’s no point in rushing what is sure to be a long road ahead.
Prayers Please
Apr 12th
This is not the post I thought I’d be writing today. I had a grand plan to talk about how planting season has started and what that means for my/our life. Not today.
A few days ago, a friend who is also a new mom, mentioned that someone made her feel really stupid for not knowing some child safety information. She took it pretty hard, as I think any new mom would. When it comes right down to it, I think anyone who’s been a new mom will agree…we pretty much have no idea what we’re doing. You learn by trial and error a lot of times. And that’s ok. Just because you don’t know everything there is to know about parenting doesn’t mean you know NOTHING. But it sure does feel like it sometimes…
G$’s 9 month checkup was this week. I’ll save you the long & boring explanation but, suffice to say, we’ve been doing some things wrong. Great. We (apparently) were not previously informed of the proper post-circumcision care and therefore, let’s just say things were starting to reattach. Not pretty. This meant that they had to become UNattached. Go ahead and get the visual on that one. And oooooooooooooooh the screaming that followed. Yikes. Even the doctor was feeling bad afterwards. I now know the proper daily care that Dr. Comforting said I need to continue until he is one, at which point he will start having MORNING ERECTIONS and this “daily care” will take care of itself. I thought I was going to puke. This shit starts THAT EARLY? Gross. My poor little boy.
While we were at the doctor, he checked G$’s mouth and asked if he had any teeth yet. I said no. Later in the day, I noticed he actually had TWO teeth on the bottom, but you could only see the top ridges. The ridges are yellowish brown. Not white. Not even off-white. Yellowish brown. I tried not to panic. I thought maybe it was bad lighting. I even seriously considered that I might be hallucinating. A photo and re-check with an LED flashlight confirmed that it was NOT bad lighting, I was not hallucinating, those teeth are unquestionably yellow.
Maybe most parents would not freak out over some tooth discoloration on a nine month old. After all, they are “just” baby teeth, right? Nothing permanent. That’s all well and good but many people still have at least SOME baby teeth well into junior high. That’s a long time with “just” baby teeth when they happen to also be brown teeth.
Most parents also do not have the family history that I do. My mom and aunt are twins. They were born with no enamel whatsoever on their teeth. This means, you guessed it, yellowish brown teeth. They were told the reason for this condition was that my grandma was given a morning sickness pill while pregnant and this was a side effect. (This pill is no longer on the market, FYI.) At the time, there was obviously much less to offer in the world of dental technology. It wasn’t until they were nearly 14 years old that bonding even EXISTED and you can imagine the quality when it finally did hit the market…the lesser of two evils. As a consequence, they suffered for almost 14 years with ugly and very weak teeth. See, what most people don’t think about is that enamel is what makes your teeth so strong. Without any enamel, they become very sensitive and weak. My mom remembers some teeth randomly just crumbling in her mouth for no reason other than they were simply weak, unprotected teeth. And then there’s the kids. Kids are little assholes. Would you want your child to have to go to school with a mouth that looks like it came out of a costume shop? I don’t think so.
Since we’ve always been told this was a side effect of a medication, not a genetic problem, and neither myself, my sister or any of my aunt’s 3 kids have any enamel problems, it never even crossed my mind that this could be a problem. Never ever.
So, given the history and the current situation, I did what every parent would do. First, I called the dentist and made an appointment. They asked if I’d taken any antibiotics (tetracycline family drugs are the ones to worry about, in case you wondered) while pregnant. I couldn’t remember, but you can imagine my horror at the very idea that I could’ve unknowingly taken a pill that would affect my son in such a way. I was appalled. Therefore, my next step was to call the OB and my family doctor and find out what I was prescribed. Both came up empty. Then I remembered I went to a prompt care for a sinus infection when I was about 7 months pregnant. Bingo. I called CVS and Walgreens and found out I was given a zpack. I hit the internet. Zpack is not a tetracycline drug. Crap. I called the dentist and they informed me that they’ve seen patients on long term “safe” high blood pressure medicine while pregnant that caused similar issues, so you just never know.
Then I called my mom. She was having a total meltdown over the very possibility that this could happen to her grandchild. She was too emotional (rightfully so) to be of much assistance at the time, so I called my aunt. I confirmed the story about the morning sickness pill given to grandma and a few other things…like how much an entire mouth of crowns cost her (because that’s the treatment if it affects adult teeth). At the time, which was many years ago…it was TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS. And that’s if you don’t have to get them redone, like my mom did. So I called my insurance agent. Since we farm, we don’t have dental insurance. It’s friggin’ expensive and it’s on a tiered scale where they won’t pay for anything but cleanings and exams for at least 6 months to a year. If you need real work done, good luck. The last thing we need is to find out, worst-case scenario, that G$ has a previously unknown genetic tooth condition and go to purchase dental insurance only to find out it’s now a pre-existing condition. The agent tells me that it’s something to carefully consider. But, after running the numbers, I realized that it would still be cheaper to pay for a mouth full of caps than to pay for dental insurance for 10 years, let alone his whole life. UGH.
The bottom line is, I’m scared. I think all you parents out there can understand why I am hoping, praying, PLEADING with God that this is not what I suspect it is. No one, especially a child, should have to go through something like that. It changes who you are as a person and, if you don’t believe me, talk to my mother. She will be the first one to tell you that the ramifications are devastating. She’s told me on multiple occasions how she felt that she had to be EXTRA…extra funny, extra happy, extra outgoing, extra EVERYTHING so that people would like her. That changes.who.you.are. Period. And if it was MY FAULT, however unintentionally? I can’t even bear to think about it. You always hear jokes about how parents inevitably screw their kids up somehow…I was picturing something more along the lines of dropping him off too close to school or hugging him in front of his friends. Not this.
Maybe this sounds silly, and maybe I am overreacting. It’s teeth, not cancer or some awful physically debilitating disease. I hope I am overreacting. I hope to God I am. I hope I have written this blog, made the phone calls, done the research, worried…for NOTHING. But until that can be confirmed or denied, I am asking you to please keep G$ in your thoughts and prayers. Please. He’s just a little boy.
There is one small light at the end of the tunnel: At least if he has weak, brown, no enamel teeth that fall straight out of his mouth…we live in the Ridge. He will fit right in.
Slow News Day
Apr 6th
All I saw on the news last night was Jessica Simpson. It was like a bad episode of The Brady Bunch, only this time it was Jessica, Jessica, Jessica. The problem is, not one single thing being “reported” about her and her pregnancy was happy, kind or positive. On 4 separate “news” programs, I saw people losing their shit over the “fact” that “experts” are estimating Jessica Simpson has gained 50 lbs. during her pregnancy. The more I watched, the more irate I became. In case anyone isn’t clear where I stand on this issue, I made a top ten list.
Top Ten Reasons People Should Leave Jessica Simpson Alone
10. No one but JS and God have any idea how much weight she’s gained. Every photo we see of her (and every other celebrity) is photoshopped anyway, and if you see her on talk shows, you could misjudge her weight due to clothing, water retention and oh, I don’t know, the fact that she’s PREGNANT.
9. It’s not that uncommon to gain 50 lbs. when pregnant. I did. It’s certainly not something I was striving for. It’s not something I would recommend as a planned course of action for other pregnant women. But it happens. Sometimes you’re pregnant with an 11 lb. child and by the time you add up weight of the actual baby, water weight, placenta/other organ weight, weight gained in your boobs…you’re not left with much. I had 12 lbs. out of 50 to lose by the time I shed my water weight. It DOES happen.
8. I know it’s not a proven fact BUT most people I know who had girls ended up getting puffy all over, and most I know who had boys gained mainly in the stomach area. And what do you know? JS is having a girl.
7. How would you like to be judged for how you look while you’re pregnant…by the national news? I don’t know about you, but I looked like Shamu at 9 months pregnant and I’m glad E! News wasn’t there to capture every bloated second.dccdcdccvds
6. To all the people bringing up the potential health risks of gaining extra weight while pregnant (i.e. harder to lose baby weight, potential large baby, potential delivery complications, etc.)…yes they are potential risks, HOWEVER, you could gain the “appropriate” amount of weight and still have any of the above health issues. Every woman is different.
5. Jessica Simpson is 5’3 and a DD. Read: short with huge boobs. That’s before she was pregnant. God only knows what cup size she is now. In other words…where is the baby supposed to go? Her boobs probably take up half her torso, which is probably only a foot and a half long to start with.
4. I understand that when you pose pregnant and nude for the cover of Elle magazine, you’re opening yourself up to critiques. However, obviously Elle WANTED her for their cover model. A major fashion magazine didn’t think she was fat and grotesque, and these are the people who think every woman should look like Kate Moss.
3. Is there seriously NOTHING else more important to discuss on the news than Jessica Simpson’s supposedly fat ass? Really?! That last time I saw something about the size of someone’s ass on the news, it was a tranny in Florida who was arrested for injecting Fix-A-Flat into people’s butts as an implant. THAT is news.
2. It’s not exactly NEWS that pregnant women are a little…how you say…hormonal and sensitive. Women beat each other up enough as it is. Can’t pregnant women be the one group of women that is “off-limits” to bashing?
1. Last, but not least, IT’S NONE OF OUR F-ING BUSINESS. Get a life.
A New Kind of Family?
Mar 31st
This week, G$ is sick and teething. This morning he was extra snuggly, which I loved (for my sake) but hated (because I know he is miserable). We just happened to turn on Richie Rich on ABC Family and it got him to quit crying and sit quietly in my lap, which was a total thank you God moment.
This afternoon, I turned the TV back on and there was a commercial advertising ABC Family’s “Toy Story Weekend.” Apparently ABC Family’s new slogan is “A New Kind of Family.” But, until tonight’s Toy Story marathon, the movie they’re showing is Pretty Woman. Um…really? Granted, they’ve taken out all the naughty parts but…still… Julia Roberts is a hooker. Come ON!
Somehow I don’t think that’s the new kind of “family” they’re talking about…
