Oct 1, 2013 by Lauren

I’ve been thinking about how to write this post for a few weeks now.

 

I never kept my preference for another son a secret.  Now that we’ve announced we are having a little girl in January, some of you may be wondering if I regret so clearly announcing my preference.

 

The answer is no.

 

You see, it’s not that I didn’t WANT a little girl.  I think it would be absolutely ridiculous to purposely conceive, know that there is a 50/50 shot of either gender but then only accept one or the other.  The last thing I want is for our daughter to think she was EVER unwanted or unloved.  That simply is not the case.

 

With that being said, I admit that, initially,  I did not take the news well.  In fact, I took it about as poorly as it can be taken.  Again, not because this little angel was unwanted.  Looking back, I think I went through the 5 stages of grief as if someone had died…because I was so convinced that this baby was another boy, it felt like someone did die…I was mourning the loss of something I only THOUGHT I had, which made it very difficult to be happy and grateful for what we DO have.

 

I am aware that some of you reading this will think I am just another crazy/emotional/hormonal pregnant lady, and I won’t even argue that point with you because you could be right!  🙂  But!  This topic of “gender disappointment” is very real, very important and not spoken about nearly enough.  So if this post helps even one person feel like less of a horrible person, it was worth writing.

 

The 5 stages of grief and how I processed them are as follows:

1. Denial – I honestly could not believe this baby was a girl.  It sounds stupid since, as mentioned, there is obviously a 50/50 shot for either gender and (short of 25k and serious science), no way to ensure one gender or the other.  Doesn’t matter, I was still shocked.  This pregnancy has been strikingly similar in every single way (except carrying lower, which is mostly caused by stretched out muscles anyway) to my pregnancy with G$.  Even the Chinese Gender Predictor said it would be a boy.  How could a mysterious chart found written on an interior wall of a former emperor’s tomb bazillions of years ago possibly be wrong?!

I think we were both in major shock.

 

2. Anger – HOW COULD A CHINESE GENDER PREDICTOR BE WRONG THIS TIME AND RIGHT THE LAST TIME?!?!  No, but seriously, I was mad about that.  Then I was angry at myself for being such an ungrateful bitch.  I have close friends who have miscarried, done IVF and succeeded, done IVF (to their last dime) and failed, been on adoption waiting lists for YEARS to no avail…and here I am, upset that my easily conceived (sorry if that’s a TMI), perfectly healthy little baby is a girl, because some stupid chart said otherwise?  How horrible.

 

3. Bargaining – I admit, I didn’t do much bargaining.  I prayed a lot.  I did try to bargain with God for things I would do if He could help me quit feeling shocked and get on the happy freaking highway.

 

4. Depression – This stage lasted the longest.

I don’t think I can say it enough…though I didn’t realize it at first, I was not actually upset that this baby is a girl.  I have 2 adorable nieces whom I love and cherish; it’s not like I’m a girl-hater (thank goodness, since I am a girl!).

 

First, I felt sad because I thought I failed G$.  See, I only have a sister.  Adam only has brothers.  Both my parents only have same-sex siblings, so I have no immediate point of reference for what it’s like to have only an opposite sex sibling.  All I know is that the bond I have with my sister, that special relationship…no brother could ever compare.  I felt like G$ would be missing out on something really special, and so would Navan.

 

Then I worried that, although I know I have enough room in my heart to love two children, I was deeply afraid that I would not know HOW to love a girl.  Again, maybe this sounds ridiculous considering the fact that I AM a girl, but that’s how I felt.  The only way I can explain is that I have been a mother to a son for two years.  I stay at home with him every day.  He is literally my whole world.  I know his personality, I know his moods, I know exactly how he operates (that is, until he learns how to unlock the sliding doors and I don’t realize it til he has snuck out the back door while I’m in the bathroom…).  My big idea was that (since I was SO SURE this was another boy) Navan would be exactly like G$, and therefore I would know exactly what to do, how to parent him and how to love him.  So when we found out Navan is a girl, I felt completely lost and feared I would not have the first clue what to do with a girl.

 

5. Acceptance – This one took the help of God, a few great friends (you know who you are) and maybe a little wine. 😉

I realized that, first of all, even if Navan had been a boy, it is highly unlikely that he would’ve been exactly like G$.  My sister and I look nothing alike and had quite different personalities growing up.  So, my big idea that I would know exactly what to do was reallllly idiotic.

Also, as everyone loves to tell first-time moms, you really do forget all the bad stuff about pregnancy and newborns.  One of the things I forgot is that I didn’t know what the hell I was doing with G$ when he was born either.  YOU FIGURE IT OUT.  I may never be an expert on hair bows and jellies but I do know that I have an amazing husband and family and, by the grace of God, we will learn together.

And another thing…We did  not fail G$.  It’s simply impossible.  How can we fail when we have given him the great gift of a sibling?  How can we fail at something we couldn’t choose?  How can a blessing also be a failure?  Answer: It can’t.

 

This 5 step process took about 3 days (and a very supportive husband and friends) but, man, once the lightbulb switched on and I finally took the on ramp for Happy Happy Happy Highway, everything turned around.  We could not be more excited to have a little girl!

 

There are a few concerns I still have so, mothers of girls especially, stay tuned for Part 2 later this week.  We need all the help we can get! 🙂