Behold the power that is: The White Minivan Theory

Jun 11, 2009 by

Doesn’t that sound like a cool punk band? If I ever start a cool punk band, that’s what I’ll name it.

Unfortunately, The White Minivan Theory (henceforth referred to as a proper noun because it SHOULD be considered an official theory!) refers to exactly what it sounds like, my theory on the inequality of white minivan drivers compared to the rest of us who don’t suck at life.

White minivans should be included in the Rules of the Road handbook in Driver’s Ed. Something like this: AVOID WHITE MINIVANS AT ALL COSTS! They could put a big red stop sign logo next to it to grab the little 15 yr old pubescent monsters’ attention. It would be great. It would be in the book right after a chapter on hydroplaning and the proper way to turn your tires when parking on a hill. Very informative. But I digress…

The White Minivan Theory is as follows:
For some reason, people driving a white minivan have a traffic vendetta and are out to ruin the driving experience for the rest of us. Every time I get in an accident, am stuck in a traffic jam (happens a lot in Goofy Ridge!) or just wonder WTF is going on w/ the traffic in general, 9 times out of 10, it’s somehow related to a white minivan. And on the 10th time, it’s a white vehicle, just not a minivan. I have several hypotheses as to why this could be the case.

1. Old people are attracted to the color white. Thinks about it. How many FOPs (fucking old people) do you see out on the road in big FOPpy cars (Lincoln Towncars, Buick LeSabres and, yes, MINIVANS!)? Every single one. And most of FOPmobiles are white. I don’t have a theory on that part yet. I just know that when you hit 66 yrs. old, you start buying cars at FOPland. Anyway. Older people tend to have poorer vision than the rest of us, drive slower (ie get run (or runned, as Randy would say) over easier) and still seem to believe the myth that the left lane is only for passing.

2. Maybe normal people purchase The White Minivans and something about the evil color overtakes them, and the longer they drive it, the worse they become at driving.

3. Think about the kinds of vehicles that tend to, on average, be white. Trailers, semis, 15 passenger rental vans, prisoner transport vehicles, RVs, campers, U-Hauls and, last but not least, COP CARS! I can easily see how any of those could cause traffic problems.

Every individual I have relayed this theory to has acted like I was near institutionalization. Yet, perhaps because I’m RIGHT, it just so happens that a few weeks later I always get the saaaame phone call: “You know I thought you were kinda loony w/ this minivan thing, but I’ll be damned I’m stuck behind some asshole in a white Grand Caravan going 35 in the left hand lane. WTF?!”

It doesn’t take a lot of brain power to figure this one out, people. Open your eyes and observe. Then call me. 🙂

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