Flow charts rock!

Oct 27, 2009 by

Ever notice how your life can best be described by a flow chart?  No?  Just me?  That’s cool. 

Here’s how my flow chart would go right now (minus the cool boxes and arrows):

October–> rain–> no harvest–> cranky husband–> serious shortage of Busch Light in the immediate Havana area

Or maybe this:

October–> Christmas planning begins–> mind-numbingly ridiculous behavior–> serious shortage of Captain Morgan in the immediate Havana area

October is way too early to be dealing w/ Christmas planning.  It happens every year, yet every year I’m surprised when my birthday hasn’t even rolled around, but we’re discussing Christmas plans. 

By “Christmas planning,” I mean arranging which family gets which day, etc.  Here is the thing about planning Christmases…ok several things:

1. The very nature of the phrase “planning Christmases” shows that the purpose of Christmas has already been defeated.  At least if you’re a religious person.  The supposed purpose of Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus.  You do this by going to church with your family.  Therein lies the problem: family*.  Here’s a new flow chart:
Christmas–> family–>drama

2. Once you realize that you’re planning how to arrange your life so as to piss off the least amt. of family members, you also have to accept the following chart:
Family–> drama–> guilt
No matter what you do, you cannot win.  You will inevitably be guilted by members of one or all parties in question when you cannot perform to the appropriate “standards,” none of which are set by or accomodating to you.

3. You cannot plan Christmases based on the theory that “we don’t know how many Christmases we have left” with a certain person. That is ass-backwards.  You could argue that theory every single year, considering that none of us know the number of our days…just that they are numbered.
Guilt–> bending to the will of the masses–> having no say in said planning–>serious animosity

4. The meaning of Christmas does not start or stop on Christmas Day.  Jesus was supposedly not even born in December.  More like spring.  So I don’t think Jesus would mind if we remembered the REASON we are celebrating, rather than the reason we are celebrating on Friday.
So instead of this flow chart:
Serious animosity–>resenting every second of all 5 straight days of Christmas “celebrations”

Perhaps we could end with this one:
Compromise for the sake of the family (without complaining about how much you are sacrificing)–> family togetherness at Christmas for either the last, or the beginning of many more, Christmas CELEBRATIONS to come.

*Sad that I even need to state this, but this is in no way directed towards any member of my family.  It is meant as a social commentary on the sad state of affairs in many families during the “holiday” season.  Might as well call it the damn present season, because that’s all anyone cares about.

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