Hours of entertainment, that one

Dec 8, 2009 by

For all those of you out there who have some ridiculously romantic ideas about how “normal,”  “well-adjusted” and “unpretentious” your children would be if you could just raise them in the country…this blog is for you. 

Meet my husband (or, in this case, Exhibit A)

In fact, this photo may explain the upcoming story.
My husband was raised in a rural area outside of Peoria.  Not nearly as rural as Ridgetopia, but rural nonetheless.  (Yes, that was a sentence fragment.  Don’t think I missed it.)  One would think, even growing up in a “country” environment, he would be wise to the ways of standard shipping practices.  You would be wrong.  Must be that fresh country air. 
Last week, we missed a scheduled delivery from FedEx.  We got one of those annoying sign-the doorknocker-and-retape (because some of us cannot properly read the instructions and have already broken the tape)-to-your-door-we’ll-be-back-tomorrow-hope-it’s-not-raining-thankssomuch-FedEx deals.  Fanfreakingtastic.  And it was raining the next day…and we were scheduled to be out of town.  AWESOME!
The package was a Christmas present for me so, naturally, I was trying my hardest:
1. Not to open it and retape it before Adam got home
2. To restrain myself from googling/reverse whitepage searching the mysterious return address
3. To make sure when it DID arrive, it was taken care of and not damaged by Mother Nature’s bitchy tricks. 
I called Adam to explain that we’d missed the package but FedEx would bring it back the next day.  There was a long pause…and then my normally common sensical husband proved legions of teachers wrong by asking what is certainly deemed a stupid question (like Santa….they DO exist!). 
Adam: So…does UPS deliver FedEx?
Me: (Long pause) (Hysterical laughter) WHAT?
Adam: Ok, asshole, I know they are 2 different companies…but does the UPS man ever deliver packages for FedEx?
Me: (More hysterical, silent teared, laughing)
Adam: (Hangs up)
He later informed me that he is “not a moron,” it’s just that he’s never SEEN the FedEx man…so he couldn’t be sure if he really exists. 
You know, kind of like how we keep getting new Tupac songs?

But back to that “fresh country air.”  I wouldn’t put too much faith in it, yuppie-moms-to-be.  Look what it can do to adults (Exhibit B):

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