I’m making life lemonade

Sep 28, 2009 by

It seems like a lot of people are questioning the existence of God lately. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s just coming up more in the news since school is starting and there’s the evolution vs. creationism debate, or because Dan Brown has a new book out, who knows?

Either way, for the record, I 100% believe in God. And I’m not going to go on a religious tirade about it.
One of many reasons I believe in God is that there must be something/someone out there who is having a hell of a time pulling the strings in my life right now. At first I was certain God was having a laugh at my expense…but then He gave me so many more things I could join in laughing about, that I had to share.
Let me start with Thursday.
Our office tv is busted, but under warranty. We had a samsung repairman scheduled to come between 8-9 am. 9 am rolls around, and he’s nowhere to be found. I checked my voicemail, only to find that he apparently called while I was in the shower, to see if the part needing replacing had arrived at our house yet, and when we would like to schedule an appointment for him to install it.
First of all, why did the part get shipped to our house if he’s just going to have to call and check that it’s there before the appointment is made? Couldn’t it have been shipped to HIS house and we could’ve avoided the whole mess?
Second, what the hell do you mean when would I like to schedule an appointment? Where were you an hour ago? You know, between 8-9 am? On your scheduled appointment via Samsung?
I finally get a hold of him and he says there’s been a mixup. OF COURSE there has. I kinda brainstormed that one when you didn’t show up and left me an asinine voicemail. Apparently the “appointment” scheduled originally was an appointment for him to call me and see whether the part had arrived. WHO DOES THAT?
On top of all this, I ran out of contacts, and had a very much needed eye dr appointment that morning, in Peoria, at 10:15. I was rushing around, so we finally scheduled the appointment for 4 pm that day. Surely that would give me enough time to get my errands done, and get home.
Wrong. He was already there when I got home. I come in, dragging bags of crap with me, and Adam’s practically rushing out the door. “Ok honey, glad you’re back, I NEED to go help Heath put his pool table together, gotta go!” Oooook. “Don’t worry, the repairman is almost done. The tv is way worse than we thought, so he doesn’t have all the parts he needs and he’s going to have to come back.” GREAT. Sooooo freakin glad I rushed home for this.
Of course, since I was rushing home, I didn’t stop and go to the bathroom like I wanted to. Now I have a dilemma.
I’m the only one home. The repairman is “almost done,” and the last thing I want is for him to get done and have to go searching through our house to find me in the bathroom. So I wait. And wait. And wait. Apparently, he is not “almost done.” I, on the other hand, am done waiting to use the bathroom. Now, it’s time to strategize.
I cannot use the bathroom next to the office, because I do not want an audience. I cannot use my master bathroom because then he would have to stalk through the house and find me, and I might not hear him coming. This leaves the half bath in the mudroom. Perfect, if he tries to leave I can hear him, and I’m far enough away that he won’t be bothered w/ the sound effects of what is turning into a major Code Brown.
But, God is a humorist.
I finally head to the bathroom, and I’m miserable. Things are not progressing as planned. FINALLY I’m near mission accomplished, and my nightmare begins. The repairman is done. He’s doing exactly what I feared, walking through the house, “Lauren? Lauren? Hello? Anyone home?” Could today get any better?

OCD note: I hate shaking hands with people when I’ve just washed them. I mean, you know what I’ve been doing, so does the fact that I’ve washed them even matter? But I digress…
Sure enough, new parts are being shipped to the house (just arrived today, so we will see how long before I get another “appointment”) and someone, maybe not even him, will be back, sometime, he doesn’t know when, to fix the tv. Fan-freaking-tastic.
Like I said, I had my doubts as to whether or not the day could get any better. Then God handed me this gem. I now present to you, the Ferrariata. Please take a good look at all of its glory.

I find the tape quite lovely.
The masterpiece that is the Ferrariata belongs to the Samsung repairman. Thank you Jesus.

Thursday night at dinner, our friend informed us that she had a drink we just “had to try. It’s this new stuff called sangria. You’re gonna love it!” Apparently she did realize sangria is not new, just that the product in malt liquor form is new. I did not love it. Tastes like gum. Bacardi sangria, in case anyone wondered.

Further into the dinner, our neighbor was telling stories, but not making too much sense. Another friend asked her what time she started drinking that day. She replied, “17.”

After dinner our sangria friend invited us over to hang out while the guys finished putting the pool table together. You see, “put pool table together” earlier that day had been code for “drink beer with my buddies.” Adam’s excuse was that he’d been “stuck at home all day with Bella.” That entailed watching tv and making his own lunch, so it was pretty taxing. Now the pool table was still unfinished, and their housewarming party was the next day, so the boys actually had to work on it. We headed over for what turned out to be the most homoerotic redneck pool table assembly I’ve ever witnessed. Unfortunately, these photos are too hot for this blog to handle.
Instead, you get a summary of my lessons learned from the pool table incident:
1. Crack kills.
2. Moose knuckles should not be created voluntarily.
3. If Adam thinks it’s hard being stuck at home all day with the dog, perhaps it’s time to start another blog called “how to know you are NOT ready to have children.”

Friday morning, I decided to eat our english muffins before they expired. I sliced my finger open in the process, and just deep enough that it hurt and I needed a band-aid to keep it from pulling apart at every opportunity. When Adam came home from lunch, he informed me that the muffins are pre-sliced. So glad I wasted that cut.
After that, I determined it was time to start the Wii EA Active fitness program I bought 2 months ago and never used. “Medium intensity” was a mistake. I spent the rest of the weekend unable to get my legs to a seated position without shaking and groaning. Always nice to remind yourself just how out of shape you are when starting a new exercise regimen. Luckily, that did motivate me to keep going, clearly I need it! It just took 2 days before I could walk to the Wii and try it again.

Friday night, we had a birthday party as well as a housewarming party to attend. We all had a great time, so many thanks to Heath, Alicia, Corey, Cindy and Keith for their hospitality.

Saturday morning, I intended to clean the bathroom, and when I went to empty the trash I noticed a new magazine had been added to the reading pile. Adam’s reading pile.

Me: “Honey, I noticed you’ve been reading a new magazine in the bathroom. Since when do you read Midwest Living?”
Adam: “So? What’s wrong with that? There’s like, RECIPES and shit in there!”
How can I argue with that?
A few weeks ago, our sangria friend had a Lia Sophia book party. Someone ordered some jewelry, but the check was lost. 2 weeks later, she found the check while doing a routine cleaning; the check was under the bathroom scale. Apparently, her boyfriend lacked reading material as well, and the Lia Sophia catalog was all he could find during his time of need…the rest is history.
Since my quads were all torn up from my pathetic Wii workout, I asked Adam if he could drive me to CVS so that I could pick up the prescription for the ring. Sign #2 you are not ready to have children: If your husband suggests a John Deere O-ring as a viable birth control option, in order to avoid a trip to CVS.
Sorry Ty, you are not getting the sale on that one.

That sums up my weekend in the ridge. No doubt there is plenty more ridiculousness to follow.

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