Mr. X, With the Paper Towels, In the Bathroom

Aug 14, 2009 by

There’s a little mystery going on at Adam’s shop this week. I’m not sure I really want to solve it.

We have our annual mid-year meeting w/ the tax man coming up soon, so Bella and I headed over to the shop/office to do some accounting. Apparently Bella got bored while I was working, and headed into the shop bathroom for some fun.

I happened to walk past the bathroom later and saw that her “fun” included attacking the contents of the bathroom trash can. Which, of course, means extra work for me, because you know Adam’s not gonna be on his hands and knees cleaning anything!

As I stoop down to pick up the pieces of shredded paper towels, I start to notice that some of the shreds have a strange, brown, kinda gritty smear on them. With the amount of dirt, oil and machine grease coming through that shop, I didn’t think much of it at first. But the more prevalent the strangely colored shreds became, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe it wasn’t something a little worse than dirt, oil or grease.

To steal from the always-quotable Billy Madison: “It’s poop again!”

This realization leaves me with several questions:
1. Who wipes with a paper towel?
2. Who wipes and throws it in the trash can?
3. Who wipes and throws it in the trash can and then doesn’t get rid of the trash? I can promise you I have never thrown used toilet paper in a trash can, especially not at someone’s home or place of business, but if I did, AND it was an open trash can, you’d better believe I’d be takin out the trash. Gross.

So now that I’ve cleaned this damn mess up, all I can think about is whodunit.
As far as I can tell there are only 2 suspects (since I know it wasn’t me!): Adam and our farm hand. Most likely Adam, because he’d do it and think it was funny, plus our farm hand is a really clean guy. So I straight up asked Adam about it. He had no idea.

The plot thickens.

I still cannot bring myself to suspect our farm hand, it’s just not his way, so now I’m stumped. I thought and thought about who else had even been in the office lately.

Then it hit me.

Adam and I have been tearing up the old house’s bathroom to prepare for new renters. Since we had to rip EVERYTHING out (save for one cabinet), we had to shut off the water. No water, no toilet. Adam and I haven’t done all of this work ourselves, however; we’ve had help from several people.

Here’s what we think happened. Person X was helping out w/ the renovations and needed a bathroom break. Since there was no working toilet at the old house, Adam went to our house and Person X went to the shop. Person X realized, probably a little too late (mid-dump?), that there was a TP shortage, and used the next best thing available: paper towels. (A little PT for some TP, if you will.) Post-wipe, they were probably concerned that the PT would not flush, so they threw it in the trash can. (I’m still trying to imagine that scene. Standing there with a shitty paper towel (SPT) in your hand, contemplating what to do. Talk about a bad day.) Days later, Bella comes in and shreds it up (talk about covering your tracks–or skid marks) and I find the crime scene.

I am NOT down with the S.P.T.
Yeah you know me.

Moral of the story: TP needs to remain the catcher. PT should stay where it belongs: the DL.

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