No One Can Hear Me Scream: Part 4, Creature Discomforts

May 8, 2012 by Lauren

Where the hell do I live?  Surely this crap is happening to other people, right?

 

(2 questions I find myself asking on a more-frequent-than-I’m-comfortable-with basis)

 

Several years ago, our whole extended family went on vacation together.  We had a great time, but the absolute hands-down highlight of the trip, for me, was my uncle stopping the minivan in the middle of the road to proclaim “LOOK kids!  A DEER!”  I nearly peed myself.  Keep in mind, both our families live on wooded property, which I had to bring up because their excitement was completely genuine.  I mean, hell, living out here (side note: I think “hell” and “out here” are synonymous when you’re referring to the Ridge, but I digress…) in the state forest, if anyone gets that worked up over a deer it’s either A) because they shot it (happy worked up) or B) because they hit it with their car (unhappy worked up).

 

Apparently they don’t see too many animals on their property since a subdivision went up nearby, hence their legitimate excitement over nature. Me, I’ve never been a nature girl.  🙂  Which is why it makes perfect sense that God would provide me a soul mate who is a farmer/ hunter/fishing enthusiast living in a state forest.  God has a sense of humor.

 

Back to my 2 soul-searching questions…”Where the hell do I live?” and “Surely, this crap is happening to other people…right?”

 

It’s not uncommon for me to be on the phone while driving home from Paradise Target and mid-conversation comment, “Oh, there’s a turkey” or “Huh, another couple turkey vultures, I wonder what’s dead this time?”  Last week, I almost hit a coyote on three separate occasions.  Not to mention the coyote Bella chased down so Adam could run outside in his underwear and shoot it.  What was I saying about paradise?  Riiiight.

 

Today has been another perfect example of where my questions come from.  I had a dentist appointment and normally that wouldn’t be much to look forward to but, today, Graham is sick and, apparently, determined to destroy everything in the house (anyone need shattered glass?  Check my bathtub.) including himself (head+coffee table=screaming bloody murder).

 

Needless to say, I was antsy to leave.

 

Adam, of course, was late to watch Graham, so by the time I saw him pulling in the driveway, I had 10 minutes to get to the dentist and we all know that the only thing 10 minutes away around here is MORE CORN.  So I’m sitting in the car, wondering why he is pulling in diagonally behind me.  I jump out of the Snobmobile to find there is a HUGE snake curled up on the driveway, right behind my car.  So, long story short, I was late to the dentist because I had to wait for Adam to kill a snake.  Who else does this shit happen to?  Seriously, I’d like to know!

 

Fellow Dunlapians, remember our former excuse for being late to school?  A train.  Now, it’s always creature-related.

 

I got to the dentist and there were headless remains of a dead bird on the sidewalk.  When I got home, I noticed the snake was no longer in the driveway and Adam informed me that he threw it in a tree, then decided that was a bad idea and threw it in the CRP behind the house, but the dog found it, so he threw it further out.  After that he couldn’t eat lunch because it looked too much like snake guts.

 

I am so done with creatures today.