People Just Have to Comment

Aug 6, 2013 by Lauren

I’ve written and spoken a lot about ignorant people asking when I was “due,” at times when I was not actually pregnant.  But I recently realized that becoming pregnant does not equal an automatic end to stupid comments.  Unfortunately.

 

Here are a few recent awkward situations.

 

-A friend found out her baby’s gender and wanted to tell her extended family before announcing it to the entire world.  She innocently commented that they were done after this baby, and people started giving her “knowing” looks and saying she “gave it away.”  Some assumed it was a boy and others assumed it was a girl, since her first child is a boy and “everyone wants one of each.”

The God’s honest truth is it has nothing to do with gender.  They decided a long time ago to only have two children.  That’s it.

 

-Adam and I visited Lowe’s a few weeks ago and, while we were checking out I had the following exchange with the cashier:

Cashier:Is this your first child?

Me: No, it’s our second.

Cashier: Oh.  Your first one was a girl?

Me: Nope, a boy.

C: Oh.  Do you know what this one will be?

M: Not yet, but we are very excited to find out!!!

C: But you are going to find out the gender?  You do want to know?

M: Yes, we can’t wait!  We find out in September.

C: Well it’s a boy.

M: (thinking…what?)  How…do you know?

C: (looking at the floor) Oh, it’s just something I do.

M: (assuming she’s basing it on an old wives’ tale about physical appearance) Oh, you mean because I’m going straight out front instead of getting wider?

C: (still looking at the floor) No, no, it’s just something I do.  Bring him in when he’s born.

Adam and I agree she was kind of embarrassed after she said it was a boy.  I don’t know if she thinks she’s a witch, a psychic, a medium,  whatever.  Doesn’t matter to me, I’m into it.  I wanted to know.  But she wouldn’t say.  Either way she must not be too good at it because she’s still working at Lowe’s! 😉

 

-Speaking of gender, people often ask if I have a preference which gender our child will be.  I think it’s kind of a stupid question because my preference is irrelevant.  I don’t get to choose and there’s a 50/50 chance of each.  But, typically when I’m asked, I shove down my snarky comments and tell the truth, which is that (given a choice) I would prefer a boy.

My reasons honestly don’t matter but, since I know you’ll ask, here are a few:

1.  Selfishly, I would like to avoid teenage girl drama.  Been there, done that.  I didn’t want to be around MYSELF during those years, so I’d rather not relive it.

2. Farming is easier for men.

3. We live in a small town.  We don’t have sidewalks.  We don’t have neighbors.  The only kids G$ will regularly play with will be his siblings.  Call me crazy but I think two boys would play together much easier than one of each.

 

Obviously there are counterpoints to all these reasons, but they don’t matter.  They’re my reasons and I’m entitled to them WITHOUT REQUIREMENT OF EXPLANATION.

 

Considering how many people have asked me if I have a preference, I am really shocked at how many insist that I NEEEEED a girl.  That my life as a woman/mother would not be complete without a daughter.  That every woman wants and needs a daughter.  That girls are so delightful and fun.

 

To take a line from President Obama, let me be clear.  My life will be fine with or without a daughter.  I don’t NEED to have any more children, regardless of gender.  I resent anyone telling me what I need/want for my life.  I’m happy for all the mothers and daughters out there but please do not assume that because I HAVE a vagina I must therefore push another one out or else my life will be incomplete.

 

I’ve determined that the common denominator here is actually the same as when people ask your “due date.”  For some reason, many people see your pregnant (or “pregnant,” as the case may be) stomach as a community event and, as such, they feel they are entitled to question and comment.

 

In my experience, most people have genuinely kind intentions and want to congratulate you (or sometimes reminisce).  That’s what makes it so hard to shoot down the questioners when you aren’t pregnant.  You don’t want to hurt their feelings (even though they’ve hurt yours) but they usually will not go away until you tell them the truth.

 

The problem is that pregnancy is NOT a community event.  It’s a family event.  Immediate family event.  If you are a stranger, you do not get to discuss/question/reminisce about MY pregnancy (or my body).  Frankly, it’s none of your business.  And if you simply MUST comment, wait for the pregnant person to bring it up to you first.  That’s generally a good indicator of whether they are open to discussion.

 

A good example of what you SHOULD do happened to me this weekend.  I attended a beautiful bridal shower for my cousin and several of our great aunts were in attendance.  One overheard me speaking with someone about Navan.  She said, “Wait!  Did I miss something?  Are you pregnant?!”  They probably just assumed I was getting fat but, either way, they weren’t going to comment on my appearance until *I* said something.  By not commenting on something they didn’t know, they saved us all from an awkward situation and ended up getting a happy surprise.

 

Older and wiser, indeed.  🙂