Public Service Announcement

May 26, 2010 by

Trashy people go to Walmart.  Not everyone who goes to Walmart is trashy, but every person who is trashy…well, they’re also a Walmart shopper.  Henceforth, I will refer to them as Wal-martians.  I frequently joke that the only explanation for the Ridge rats is that a UFO must’ve landed and replaced all the normal people who once lived there with martians.  In case you can’t make the drive to the Ridge, to see these “individuals” for yourself, just head to your local Walmart.  You’ll find ’em. 

Because my sister is in social work, I’ve learned some valuable things.  Her most important piece of info so far was to avoid grocery stores, but especially Walmart, on the 1st day of the month, maybe even the 2nd.  Why?  Because LINK cards get filled up the 1st day of the month and the stores get crowded, have really long lines, and sometimes are short on food. 

This isn’t a judgement on anyone who has/had a LINK card.  I’m all for it.  I don’t want to be at Walmart on Black Friday either, for the exact same reasons…crowds, lines, no inventory. 

Anyway, I decided that May 3rd would be safe.  In many respects, I was correct.  The lines were normal, crowds were normal, the inventory properly stocked.  I walked to my car quite pleased with myself…until I actually saw the car. 

You see, I’d forgotten one major rule: Walmartians are ALWAYS at Walmart, not just the 1st day of the month. 

Normally, I park near a cart corral, because I’m lazy, and it keeps at least one side of the car from potential cart dings.  This particular day, however, all those spots were taken, so I just parked further out.  I get to my car and what do I see?  Two things:
1. A cart right up against my bumper
2. A big white scratch halfway across the bumper.

Now I’m pissed.  I’ve never been one of those people who freaks out over door dings, parks way out to avoid stuff, etc etc.  But this made me mad, if for no other reason than the sheer ignorance of the situation.  For one thing, there was a cart corral 2 spaces over, and one across the aisle and down.  It would have been very easy to just walk your happy ass over to the corral and deposit the cart.  There is no way the cart could’ve blown into the position it was currently in, so someone did this on purpose.  And what really pissed me off is that my car is black.  So if it was a bad scratch on a regular car, having black paint just made it stand out even more. 

I actually know a person who leaves their cart in the parking space near theirs when they leave…because it’s the “cart attendant’s job” to put it away for you.  No, it’s actually not.  You walk right past the corral, you are just as capable of putting it away as the attendant.  These are the same type of people who leave their popcorn buckets and empty sodas behind in the theater because it’s “the ushers job” to clean up after you.  No, it’s not.  They’re not your babysitters and they’re not your mother.  You walk past the trash can ON YOUR WAY OUT OF THE THEATER.  You cannot avoid the trash cans.  Assholes.  But I digress…

So, due to the cart incident, I avoided Walmart and the Walmartians who don’t know how to properly dispose of their carts for a few weeks.  Time to cool down. 

Last week, I put my big girl underoos back on, went to Walmart, still no next-to-corral spots.  Again, aside from the Walmartians, the store was great.  Quick, stocked, still able to rape my account blind…everything I’ve come to know and love about Walmart.  Then I began my walk to the parking lot with baited breath.  My car was fine (thanks God!) but my eardrums were assaulted when as I was putting my stuff in the trunk, I heard the longest, loudest burp I have ever heard in my life from across the aisle.  Because I am 12 years old, I burst out laughing.  The assailant looked up, smiled, waved, and got in his crappy car.  I went about my business, until the jackass rolled down his window, sticks half his body out and yells, YEAH!  YOU KNOW YOU LIKED IT!  Riiiiight.  Then he proceeds to sit in his gross vehicle and stare at me until I pull out of the lot which, I can assure you, was not nearly fast enough. 

All the way home I sat there thinking about what is wrong with people these days (I’ve shifted from 12 to 95), and it hit me…WALMARTIANS.  They can’t help themselves. 

So let this be another lesson to you all…a public service announcement if you will.  Stock up on groceries before the 1st, but mostly…just avoid Walmart.  They know not what they do.

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  1. Kayla

    my creative writing professor would tell our class walmart stories ( he was a manager there so he could have a paycheck). apparently, there was a woman who would hold produce to her ear (like a shell to hear the ocean) to see if it was an appropriate piece to buy.

  2. jeff

    so have you ever gone to the people of walmart site? if not do so, totally WTF?

  3. Lauren

    Those produce ladies are scary! I've seen people do that too. I don't know what they hear inside a canteloupe that makes it a good one to purchase though. Maybe it's "pick me! Pick me!" And Jeff, I have definitely been to that site many a time. 🙂 It's definitely a WTF moment every time.

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