Some Things Still Surprise Me

Sep 1, 2010 by

I know you’ve all missed it.  That’s right, the Sheriff’s Report. 

But before I get to that, I just have to mention something that caught my eye in a recent issue of the infamous Mason County Democrat newspaper. 

For those of you who don’t already know, the big news around here recently was the Redneck Fishing Tournament in Bath, IL.  Basically, Asian Carp are overpopulating in the Illinois River and causing a lot of trouble, so fishermen in their best redneck gear go out all day and catch as many of these slimy little bastards as they can.  Sotally tober, of course.  Whoever catches the most fish is the winner.  Seems pretty simple, right?  Well, this year, ESPN and National Geographic (or Nat Geo, if you prefer their terrible attempt at rebranding themselves into a “cool, hip and man-friendly” channel) came down to Bath, to film the tournament for their respective programming lineups.  This was major. 

So major, apparently, that they decided a tournament winner just wasn’t enough.  They put their heads together and came up with another contest, sure to draw attention to rednecks of ALL ages…the Little Miss Redneck contest.  Now, as I was not present for said event (only because I didn’t know about it ahead of time…trust me, I would never have voluntarily skipped seeing this level of cluster fuck), I can only imagine what the contest rules include.  A quick scan of google news tells me the organizer informed parents their children/contestants may be dressed as rednecks or “in their Sunday best.”  Although, let’s be honest, those are basically one and the same in Bath. 

In my mind, Little Miss Redneck events would go something like this:
1. Instead of the swimsuit/evening wear competition, we have the camo competition.  Whoever is the most invisible wins.
2. They would combine the talent and “most photogenic” sections of the evening, with all contestants required to gut a deer.  Points awarded for speed, accuracy and, most of all, how good they look standing next to the deer in their photo.
3. Instead of a synchronized dance number, we have a synchronized decoy setup/goose call competition. First one to get a drunk hillbilly to shoot at their decoy wins.
4. And, last but not least, instead of the question and answer being about world issues, we have the question and answer session sponsored by Ducks Unlimited.  Questions include: Are you for or against hosting a fish fry in the church parking lot?  Should children still be allowed to miss school for deer season?  How do you feel about the regulation of Sudafed in the tri-county area?  Points given for creativity, grammar and pro-hunting stance.

All kidding (or was I?) aside, the girl who won is an adorable 5 year old, complete with camo shirt and hat…and her favorite stuffed kitten (A TOY, not an actual stuffed cat.  Sadly, I feel the need to make that distinction).  I don’t know what the prize is for winning the prestigious Little Miss Redneck title, but I bet it involves a gift card to Gander Mountain.  Just sayin’…

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