Oct 1, 2013 by Lauren
I’ve been thinking about how to write this post for a few weeks now.
I never kept my preference for another son a secret. Now that we’ve announced we are having a little girl in January, some of you may be wondering if I regret so clearly announcing my preference.
The answer is no.
You see, it’s not that I didn’t WANT a little girl. I think it would be absolutely ridiculous to purposely conceive, know that there is a 50/50 shot of either gender but then only accept one or the other. The last thing I want is for our daughter to think she was EVER unwanted or unloved. That simply is not the case.
With that being said, I admit that, initially, I did not take the news well. In fact, I took it about as poorly as it can be taken. Again, not because this little angel was unwanted. Looking back, I think I went through the 5 stages of grief as if someone had died…because I was so convinced that this baby was another boy, it felt like someone did die…I was mourning the loss of something I only THOUGHT I had, which made it very difficult to be happy and grateful for what we DO have.
I am aware that some of you reading this will think I am just another crazy/emotional/hormonal pregnant lady, and I won’t even argue that point with you because you could be right! 🙂 But! This topic of “gender disappointment” is very real, very important and not spoken about nearly enough. So if this post helps even one person feel like less of a horrible person, it was worth writing.
The 5 stages of grief and how I processed them are as follows:
1. Denial – I honestly could not believe this baby was a girl. It sounds stupid since, as mentioned, there is obviously a 50/50 shot for either gender and (short of 25k and serious science), no way to ensure one gender or the other. Doesn’t matter, I was still shocked. This pregnancy has been strikingly similar in every single way (except carrying lower, which is mostly caused by stretched out muscles anyway) to my pregnancy with G$. Even the Chinese Gender Predictor said it would be a boy. How could a mysterious chart found written on an interior wall of a former emperor’s tomb bazillions of years ago possibly be wrong?!
I think we were both in major shock.
2. Anger – HOW COULD A CHINESE GENDER PREDICTOR BE WRONG THIS TIME AND RIGHT THE LAST TIME?!?! No, but seriously, I was mad about that. Then I was angry at myself for being such an ungrateful bitch. I have close friends who have miscarried, done IVF and succeeded, done IVF (to their last dime) and failed, been on adoption waiting lists for YEARS to no avail…and here I am, upset that my easily conceived (sorry if that’s a TMI), perfectly healthy little baby is a girl, because some stupid chart said otherwise? How horrible.
3. Bargaining – I admit, I didn’t do much bargaining. I prayed a lot. I did try to bargain with God for things I would do if He could help me quit feeling shocked and get on the happy freaking highway.
4. Depression – This stage lasted the longest.
I don’t think I can say it enough…though I didn’t realize it at first, I was not actually upset that this baby is a girl. I have 2 adorable nieces whom I love and cherish; it’s not like I’m a girl-hater (thank goodness, since I am a girl!).
First, I felt sad because I thought I failed G$. See, I only have a sister. Adam only has brothers. Both my parents only have same-sex siblings, so I have no immediate point of reference for what it’s like to have only an opposite sex sibling. All I know is that the bond I have with my sister, that special relationship…no brother could ever compare. I felt like G$ would be missing out on something really special, and so would Navan.
Then I worried that, although I know I have enough room in my heart to love two children, I was deeply afraid that I would not know HOW to love a girl. Again, maybe this sounds ridiculous considering the fact that I AM a girl, but that’s how I felt. The only way I can explain is that I have been a mother to a son for two years. I stay at home with him every day. He is literally my whole world. I know his personality, I know his moods, I know exactly how he operates (that is, until he learns how to unlock the sliding doors and I don’t realize it til he has snuck out the back door while I’m in the bathroom…). My big idea was that (since I was SO SURE this was another boy) Navan would be exactly like G$, and therefore I would know exactly what to do, how to parent him and how to love him. So when we found out Navan is a girl, I felt completely lost and feared I would not have the first clue what to do with a girl.
5. Acceptance – This one took the help of God, a few great friends (you know who you are) and maybe a little wine. 😉
I realized that, first of all, even if Navan had been a boy, it is highly unlikely that he would’ve been exactly like G$. My sister and I look nothing alike and had quite different personalities growing up. So, my big idea that I would know exactly what to do was reallllly idiotic.
Also, as everyone loves to tell first-time moms, you really do forget all the bad stuff about pregnancy and newborns. One of the things I forgot is that I didn’t know what the hell I was doing with G$ when he was born either. YOU FIGURE IT OUT. I may never be an expert on hair bows and jellies but I do know that I have an amazing husband and family and, by the grace of God, we will learn together.
And another thing…We did not fail G$. It’s simply impossible. How can we fail when we have given him the great gift of a sibling? How can we fail at something we couldn’t choose? How can a blessing also be a failure? Answer: It can’t.
This 5 step process took about 3 days (and a very supportive husband and friends) but, man, once the lightbulb switched on and I finally took the on ramp for Happy Happy Happy Highway, everything turned around. We could not be more excited to have a little girl!
There are a few concerns I still have so, mothers of girls especially, stay tuned for Part 2 later this week. We need all the help we can get! 🙂
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