White Minivan Theory Continued…

Jun 16, 2009 by

I forgot to mention that there are a few exemptions to The White Minivan Theory.

1. Soccer Moms.
Although they can be erratic drivers (side note: can you blame them? If I was stuck in a white minivan carting kids around all day, I would be a speeding death trap. “Don’t make me stop this car!” “Johnny, be careful. I already cleaned up one spilled juicy juice and I WON’T do it again!” “Quit kicking the seats!” “I AM THE COBRA COMMANDER!!!!!” ahem…) soccer moms are usually exempt because they’re in a hurry (unlike white minivan drivers), change lanes frequently (unlike white minivan drivers) and tend to be aggressive drivers in general (you guessed it – unlike white minivan drivers).

2. Teenagers.
Those poor teenagers who don’t get a car when they turn 16, and are therefore forced to drive the family shit wagon (white minivan) to the movies – EXEMPT! This is due to many of the same reasons before.
A) they’re in a hurry — I would be too. Faster you go, the less time your friends could catch a glimpse of the pedophile mobile. For their sakes…I hope the van doesn’t have tinted windows. Here kids! Free candy!
B) changing lanes aggressively — again…to avoid driving anywhere near even a friend of a friend of a friend’s aunt. Word travels fast.
Most importantly, C) They probably have a carload of other kids w/o cars who have been fortunate enough not to have to drive THEIR families’ white minivans this time, and would prefer not to be seen either.

By the way…is it just me…or does it seem a little TOO coincidental that WMDs could =
A) Weapons of Mass Destruction


B) White Minivan Drivers

Then again…is there really a difference?

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