You Might Be a Redneck If…

Jun 11, 2010 by

I’m not in the burbs anymore. 

Last week, I woke up at 6:45 AM, because the dog was in the yard, barking like a maniac.  I realize most people reading this are probably thinking “So what?  Dogs bark.”  Perhaps.  But not this dog.  And not this loudly or viciously.  In a way, that’s the guard dog you hope for, right?  The one whose every bark means something is awry? 

Adam went outside to check out the situation, came back in and told me to put my glasses on because I was “not going to want to miss this.”  Our vicious attack dog was right.  Something was awry. 

There was a horse in the front yard.


It had no saddle, no rider, no owner…just a stray horse, munching on our lawn like it owned the place. That is, until Bella’s barking spooked the horse and he began to walk down the street towards the main drag.  I had no idea what to do, initially.  My first thought was to call the pound…until I remembered we don’t have a pound. 

I thought perhaps some of our horse-owning friends might recognize the horse, or at least know what to do, so we called them and they called around as well.  Nothing.

Eventually I called the County Sheriff, because I was out of other options and I was afraid either the horse would get hit and injured, and/or someone would be injured hitting the horse.  Sure enough, I’m put on hold w/ the sheriff, only to have him come back and say someone reported a similar horse missing earlier that morning, and they would take care of it.  I never heard back, but I hope the horse made it back home safely. 

Thinking about the situation later, I realized I am beginning to assimilate into the local culture in ways I am not entirely prepared to admit. 

For example, imagine this situation had happened in a suburb.  In fact, I called my mom and asked her what she would’ve done if she’d woken up to a horse in her front yard.  Her reply?  “Oh honey, someone would’ve called that in long before I woke up and saw it.”  Touche.

A few years ago, I would have called animal control, PAWS, a horse rescue…something.  Last week, I could think of at least 5 people to call, off the top of my head, BEFORE animal control or the sheriff.  What’s happening to me?!

But that was not the end of my day o’ weird.  Nooo no.  Later that same afternoon, I was speaking with a friend from a large metropolitan area, when I was forced to interrupt my own story about the horse, to inform her that I had just driven past a local restaurant which loudly proclaimed (via sign) “GATOR IS BACK ON TUESDAYS!”  Gator.  As in…alligator?  I thought it was a hot dog stand!  I guess you never really know what’s in your hot dogs, but geez

As I continued my drive, I noticed something coming towards me from the opposite direction…It turned out to be a rusty Ford Escort, painted a delightful shade of spray paint red…on the parts that had paint, that is.  But this rusty ride was extra special.  Apparently its owner thought so too, because he took the time and energy to replace his front bumper with a 2×4 and spray paint “FRANK” on it.  In mirror-reverse…like on an ambulance.  This way, should “FRANK” come up behind you as you sail down Goofy Ridge Road, you’ll be able to read his name.  Right.  Because the first thing I think when that steel shitbox comes up behind me is, “oh, that’s Frank” and not “Dear Lord, WHAT IS THAT?!” 

I’d like to think I’m not a redneck, but all signs are beginning to indicate otherwise.  In the meantime, I’ve compiled a short list of how to tell if you might be a redneck, for those of you who aren’t quite sure.

10. If you have ever had to stand on the side of the road and have someone pick sand burrs out of your butt.
9. If you’ve ever gotten out of a hot tub to pee, then decided you’d rather “go” on the deck.
8. If you have an ATM in your driveway.
7. If you see a restaurant sign advertising “gator” and you actually stop to try it.
6. If you know the difference, just by looking, between a frog and a toad.
5. If you no longer notice the sound of a crop duster flying over your house.
4. If you don’t think it’s weird to ask your friend whether they ate their pet rabbit after it died.
3. If you can think of 5 people off the top of your head to call regarding a random horse in your front yard, and none of the 5 are animal control or law enforcement officials.
2. If having a paved driveway means you’re rich.
1. If this is your church:

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1 Comment

  1. Anonymous

    Lauren back in 1980-81 I got up 6am to find 50to60 head of Shisslers yearling cattle from over by the Ridge Lake fire house in my yard on Fleming Rd . Roger Messman and I had quite a time getting them back to where they belonged. Thankfull for my two Border Collies. Bob Fleming

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