Snake Saga: Part 2

Sep 17, 2012 by Lauren

Well, it seems my victory lap may have been a little hasty.

When Adam came home last night, I told him (quite triumphantly, I might add) about killing the snake.   I told him all about hitting it with the spade, it dying, trying to scoop it up and G$ laughing at me.  I told him about throwing it away…in the trash can.

Ahem.

The look on his face was pretty priceless.  He said, “Wait…you threw a carcass in the trash can?”  Errrrr…yes?

In my defense, as soon as he said “carcass” I realized how stupid it was to put a dead animal in a garbage can rather than throw it way out in the weeds or something.  Like I said yesterday, the only reason I killed it in the first place was out of fear that it would bite my kid or my dog.  Before I killed it, I called Adam to ask what I should do and he said if I killed it I had to “throw it out” so the dog wouldn’t track it.  To me, that meant  kill the snake, then throw it in the trash.  That was the end of my thought process on the entire matter.  Oops!

But that’s not all.

We had a short argument about who was going to get the snake carcass out of the trash can and throw it in the weeds.  There was NO WAY I was going anywhere near that damn thing ever again, so I couldn’t care less whether he got it out or not.  Neither one of us ended up doing anything.

Fast forward to this morning.  Adam leaves for work.  A few minutes later he comes back in and asks which trash can I put the stupid snake guts in.  I told him and he went out, I thought, to get rid of it.  Not gonna lie…I was thrilled that I didn’t have to do it.

A few minutes later he came back in again.  Apparently what really happened was he’d had every intention of leaving the snake to rot in the garbage can.  But when he walked past the garbage cans to go to work, he heard something rustling.  Sure enough, when he dragged the trash can to the weeds, the flippin’ snake slithered right out.

That damn thing was still ALIVE.

I guess it must’ve just been playing dead the whole time.  Little bastard.  Good thing Adam heard it or the trash man would’ve been PIIIIIIIISSED.

Looks like I’m not an official farm girl after all.  🙂

 

 

 

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Farm Girl Official

Sep 17, 2012 by Lauren

I think I am certifiable.  As an official farm girl.  Or maybe just certifiable.

I just did something I never thought I’d do.

I killed a snake.

Look! There it is!  Bella thought it was a good idea to kill it too!

OMG that is so gross.

The funny thing is that I’m actually not afraid of snakes.  The only reason I killed it is because I didn’t know what kind it was and I was afraid the dog would go after it later and it would end up being poisonous and biting her.

Of course, anyone witnessing this event would never know that I’m not afraid of snakes.  I killed it with a spade but I think I screamed more AFTER it was dead than while I was killing it.  G$ stood on the sidewalk and cracked up laughing whenever I screamed.  Thanks for your support, kid.  😉    It’s not my fault the stupid thing wouldn’t stay on the spade.

My hands are still shaking.

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No One Can Hear Me Scream: Part 4, Creature Discomforts

May 8, 2012 by Lauren

Where the hell do I live?  Surely this crap is happening to other people, right?

 

(2 questions I find myself asking on a more-frequent-than-I’m-comfortable-with basis)

 

Several years ago, our whole extended family went on vacation together.  We had a great time, but the absolute hands-down highlight of the trip, for me, was my uncle stopping the minivan in the middle of the road to proclaim “LOOK kids!  A DEER!”  I nearly peed myself.  Keep in mind, both our families live on wooded property, which I had to bring up because their excitement was completely genuine.  I mean, hell, living out here (side note: I think “hell” and “out here” are synonymous when you’re referring to the Ridge, but I digress…) in the state forest, if anyone gets that worked up over a deer it’s either A) because they shot it (happy worked up) or B) because they hit it with their car (unhappy worked up).

 

Apparently they don’t see too many animals on their property since a subdivision went up nearby, hence their legitimate excitement over nature. Me, I’ve never been a nature girl.  🙂  Which is why it makes perfect sense that God would provide me a soul mate who is a farmer/ hunter/fishing enthusiast living in a state forest.  God has a sense of humor.

 

Back to my 2 soul-searching questions…”Where the hell do I live?” and “Surely, this crap is happening to other people…right?”

 

It’s not uncommon for me to be on the phone while driving home from Paradise Target and mid-conversation comment, “Oh, there’s a turkey” or “Huh, another couple turkey vultures, I wonder what’s dead this time?”  Last week, I almost hit a coyote on three separate occasions.  Not to mention the coyote Bella chased down so Adam could run outside in his underwear and shoot it.  What was I saying about paradise?  Riiiight.

 

Today has been another perfect example of where my questions come from.  I had a dentist appointment and normally that wouldn’t be much to look forward to but, today, Graham is sick and, apparently, determined to destroy everything in the house (anyone need shattered glass?  Check my bathtub.) including himself (head+coffee table=screaming bloody murder).

 

Needless to say, I was antsy to leave.

 

Adam, of course, was late to watch Graham, so by the time I saw him pulling in the driveway, I had 10 minutes to get to the dentist and we all know that the only thing 10 minutes away around here is MORE CORN.  So I’m sitting in the car, wondering why he is pulling in diagonally behind me.  I jump out of the Snobmobile to find there is a HUGE snake curled up on the driveway, right behind my car.  So, long story short, I was late to the dentist because I had to wait for Adam to kill a snake.  Who else does this shit happen to?  Seriously, I’d like to know!

 

Fellow Dunlapians, remember our former excuse for being late to school?  A train.  Now, it’s always creature-related.

 

I got to the dentist and there were headless remains of a dead bird on the sidewalk.  When I got home, I noticed the snake was no longer in the driveway and Adam informed me that he threw it in a tree, then decided that was a bad idea and threw it in the CRP behind the house, but the dog found it, so he threw it further out.  After that he couldn’t eat lunch because it looked too much like snake guts.

 

I am so done with creatures today.

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